AWA: Academic Writing at Auckland

“How long are you staying?” After not seeing him in months it was the most pressing question I had. I knew that his answer would affect everything, one way or another.

“A few days.” He responded while walking up the grassy bank in front of me. I took the opportunity to admire his butt for the first time in a while, knowing I wouldn’t have many more chances.

“How long will you be gone?” This is the question I’d grown used to asking. It was hard at first, but it got easier over time, even though the answers kept getting worse.

“At least a month.” He sounded a bit resentful. We’d both been feeling that way a lot lately. Patches of dirt and sand began to invade the grass as we continued walking towards the beach. We hadn’t been there before, something I only knew by asking him due to my near-complete inability to remember locations or directions. It was sunny that day, and warm. Everyone was dressed in light, loose clothing and, although I wasn’t aware of it at the time, it was the week before Valentine’s Day. Things had been strained recently. I’d struggled and failed not to fall back into old habits during the summer break, which was now drawing to a close.

We stepped onto the beach together and, without saying anything, instinctively headed straight towards the rocks. We had been for months. Walking side by side we might have been mistaken for father and son. It was something that I’d always found funny and secretly enjoyed, but for him it was just another barrier between us. One of many.

Dropping our flip-flops before us, we stepped onto the rocks with all the other couples and families. Walking forward to the edge of a small cliff, we looked towards where the ocean waves had carved a hole into the once stubborn and uncompromising stone wall over time. I’d come to enjoy places like this over the seventeen month period we’d been together. Neither of us had wanted a relationship initially, only friendship and some fun on the side. I guess over time my feelings began to change but his never did.

Then we left. We’d only just arrived but things were no longer the same as they had been when we used to spend hours at those places. Prior to meeting him I’d hardly ever gone to places like that, or did the things we did together. We’d spend entire days together, visiting places and trying things that were completely new for me. Cooking, eating, and sleeping together. I experienced and felt things that I’d never expected, but he’d already experienced everything and didn’t feel the same way. Now there was nothing for us to see or say at these places. Walking back towards the way we’d come, the sun warmed the sand and air around us, but it was no longer warmth that we shared.

***

            We drove towards the cinema in his car, a black Alfa Romeo 156. A nice car, but not as nice as the one he drove in Melbourne. That morning when I’d driven up to see him in my mother’s car the radio had played Rick Astley’s ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ as a joke during a top one hundred list. I’d sung along to the lyrics then, but sitting in the car with Dale we just talked about his recent time in Australia, and then the film we were about to watch, ‘Les Misérables’. He’d seen musical versions multiple times and had been looking forward to seeing it as a film. I’d offered to take him since going to the cinema together was one thing that we’d always enjoyed. I always made a point of paying for the tickets, and as much of the others things we did together as I could afford. His recent boyfriend of ten years had used him for his money and I had tried to make a point of showing him there was more to him than that, that he had so much more to offer. Not necessarily to me who he never considered his boyfriend or a long term option, but to someone.

            I purchased the tickets and we went inside. We’d been to around a dozen films together since we first met, but this was one he already knew all about. Partway through he leaned over and asked me if I was following it alright. I dismissed him and kept watching. He could be a little patronizing sometimes and had asked similar questions when we’d watched subtitled films. We hardly speak or touch each other during the film. Usually I’d try to make contact with him somehow, expressing my thoughts or predictions about the content, even pausing DVD’s multiple times to discuss it. That’s probably the reason he thought I was incapable of focusing for extended periods of time. I knew how much he’d been looking forward to it thought, and controlled myself until the film itself stopped partway through.

            The lights turned on abruptly and everyone started talking, not just me. Some of us wondered if it was over, and those who’d seen the musical assured us there was more to it. Then a voice spoke over the intercom, expressing their apologies for the technical difficulties and asking us to wait patiently. The film did resume, but continued to stop more and more towards the end. In all the times Dale had watched Les Misérables I bet he’d never experienced it like this. After all he’d been through I guess I was still able to give him new experiences, even they were characteristically flawed.

            Finally the film ended, as intended, and everyone filed out while receiving a free ticket to a film of their choice. Doubting that we’d ever be together like that again, I gave mine to him and suggested that he take his father sometime. Later he’d use the tickets with someone else. We talked about the film as we walked back to the car, focusing particularly on my impressions of it as it was the first time I’d seen it.

            “I really liked Ebony.”

            “Éponine,” he corrected me.

            “Right, I really liked her character. I was hoping Marius would choose her.” She was easily my favourite character. I really liked her dark, brooding, romance-driven story; I only wished her ending had been different. Instead of her defining herself through Marius I would have liked her to move on. I guess I found her relatable and didn’t want that ending for myself. He agreed that it was sad, then quickly moved on to explain the rest of the narrative.

***

Back in the car again, heading back towards his place, I asked him if he was ready to talk. He was, but I couldn’t. I knew it was the right time, the only opportunity I’d get, but it just didn’t feel right to try and get into something so difficult and important to me on such a short journey.

            “I know what do,” He smiled while turning, taking a detour. Making various turns and navigating in a simple way that was still completely beyond me, he drove us to the park at Mount Eden. He stopped and got out, leading the way to a nearby playground we’d once stopped at during a time that seemed much longer ago than it really was. It was night by then and there was no one around except for us and the occasional passing car. The nearby street lamps surrounded us in a faint, orange glow and the lights of the city seemed to dull the stars overhead.

            We sat on the swings, side by side, in silence. This had been my idea but it was so much more difficult than I thought it would be now that he was actually here. I clung to the cold, metal chains and pushed myself backwards with my feet, wanting to put things off for another brief moment while I collected my thoughts. He hung motionlessly while I swung back and forth, and when I was ready I allowed myself to come to a gradual, inevitable stop.

            “I said we needed to talk, but now I don’t know where to start… I sort of had everything planned out, but I didn’t know how hard it would be in person…”

            “Spit it out, pup.” He interrupted with a warm smile, using the pet name that he’d come to use more often than my real name. It was gentle. He’d grown used to prodding information out of me when required.

            “Well… you go away for months at a time, and I’m okay with that. I’m happy for you, really. I know you don’t want to be stuck here, but you have been anyway, and now you’re starting to move on… I’m used to you leaving, and being gone, it would be fine if you at least tried to stay in touch… But you don’t. Late you can’t even be bothered to take five minutes to write me a message every few days, and you get mad at me for wanting to hear something from you. I try to give you your space, to leave you alone for a few days, or a few weeks, thinking that if I give you the time you need that you’ll finally want to talk to me. But you don’t. You just keep pushing me further and further away when I try to get even just a little bit closer to you. No, it’s not even like you’re pushing me, it’s like I just keep bouncing off of you and you don’t even care anymore. This is the closest thing I’ve had to a relationship, which I never even expected I’d be able to have, and I thought it would be enough for me. It would be, even just this much, if we could at least enjoy the time we had together while it lasted, even if it’s only a little while. But… it’s been seventeen months now, and I feel like it doesn’t mean anything to you. It meant so much to me, I was really struggling with everything and had only just started to finally live my life when you came along, and you made things so much better. I thought it would be fine to just be with you however you needed me… I said that I’d be with you for as long as you need me, but now… I don’t feel like you even want me anymore.” Everything finally tumbled out of me, and I struggled to hold myself together until the end when my voice finally broke down into sobs.

           “Oh, pup…” I know he wanted to comfort me, or explain himself, but I wasn’t done yet.

            “We’ve had so many good times together, the first year was great… but these past five months have been bad for both of us. I really care about you, as a person, so I wanted to help you get through all the bad things in your life. You helped me get through mine, you’ve been helping me the entire time. But I thought… if you’re going to leave anyway, if this has to end, then I should at least try to end this in a good way so we can still be friends. Then you came back and it felt like things would get better. I have no idea what you want, if you want me, if you ever did… I just wanted things to be better between us.” This time I finished more strongly. It was important for me. Important to try and let him know that I understood things from his perspective, even just a little. Honestly, I wanted him to know that I understood him, and cared for him, so that I could distract from my own selfishness and how I had expected more from him than he’d ever offered.

            “… Is it my turn yet?”

            “…Yes.” We both laughed together. This was just so typical of me, of us. I’d always had a tendency to ramble on long past the point that any well-rounded person would stop, regardless of the topic.

            “Right, so…” He paused and sighed, leaning backwards and staring upward while thinking. “I have been busy lately, and I haven’t had the time to stay in contact with you. I’ve been chasing around clients, catching up with friends, organizing things, trying to get in shape. My days have been busy and when I come home I just want to sleep, but instead I have a dozen messages from you complaining about me not contacting you. I feel like I need to explain… this is actually how I used to live. All day, every day. I had to deal with all of Barry’s shit and balance my life. Then I had to drop everything and come back here when mum got sick. I’ve lost so much in the past few years. Family, work, my boyfriend thankfully, and now mum. Things were great between us at first. We used to have fun. But now you just want more than me than I’m prepared to give, when I should be back living my life in Oz. There are too many differences between us… We’re at different points in our lives,  so it was never going to work out… I just don’t want to see you get hurt anymore. You’re a good person and you deserve better. I do think we’re compatible in a lot of ways, and I really care about you, I just can’t be what you want me to be. We had a lot of good times together, caring for each other… You helped me get through mum…” He had always been emotional and mentioning his mother on top of everything else was enough to bring him to tears.

            “Things will get better…” I wanted to reassure him, to comfort him since everything had already been so difficult. “I want you to be happy. You don’t have to stay here anymore… You’ll be able to do all the things you’ve been missing out on. Get back to your life… Find someone special...”

            “I’ve already found someone sort of special.” He responded quietly, his eyes cast downward. He didn’t mean me.

            “Oh… What’s he like?”

            “His name’s Sean. He’s a good one. We get along well. He’s in the army though, so I don’t get to see him for months at a time.” He laughed at the last point, awkwardly, and it was funny in a way. A certain kind of way.

            “That must be terrible for you,” I teased him. It was what I wanted for him, what he said he didn’t want for himself, and what we could never have together. I knew then why he’d become more distant recently, why we’d drifted apart. Thinking it was fine, that I could support him since I’d already known it was over, I encouraged him, but there was more to it than that. “There was something else that I wanted to tell you, before it ended… I wanted to tell you sooner, but I thought you’d break up with me. Now that I don’t need to worry about that there’s no way I couldn’t say it… I love you, I have for a while.”

            “I know Pup,” He smiled with his sad, hazel eyes. “I could see it.”

Word Count: 2,572 words.